Healing has an ebb and flow. Healing is an evolution. Humans are multifaceted, and sometimes our wounds reach across different realms of therapeutic specializations. There are different approaches, modalities, and areas of focus. Therapists have different personal experiences and professional expertise. They also each have a different level of embodied healing, which is them doing their own work. Depending on many factors, the right therapist could mean a few things.
Everyone’s therapy journey is unique to them, and it is ultimately up to you to decide what is right for you right now. Below is a list of green flags, if you will. I could have listed a hundred signs you have the right therapist. I thought I would go with seven for now. It really is based on the individual seeking therapy and their goals and needs.
01 | You feel seen, heard, and safe
You walk into the office, sit down on the comfy chair, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and begin your session. It takes a little time to acclimate to a new human, of course, but ultimately you feel like you can safely bring your whole self into the session.
I’ve had two experiences that helped me understand this first sign. Venturing out into therapy, there was a little wounded child part of me that desperately wanted to be seen. I poured my heart out, secretly hoping that the therapist who sat in front of me would see me, see that little girl who holds so much pain. The first therapist responded with “Oh, you are going to be fine, I see God working through you.” I thought to myself, but I’m sitting here telling you I’m not fine. I left the session feeling an emptiness. I wondered if maybe I really was too broken for anyone to reach me. I felt something was missing. Not long after this, I quit seeing this therapist.
On to the second experience. A couple of years later, I came across a trauma therapist who utilized EMDR with her clients. In the first session, after me sharing the highlights of my trauma across my lifetime, she said to me, “That’s a lot, you could need therapy for the rest of your life, and you’re in too much pain to be in the present.” Finally, for the first time in my entire life, another human saw me. Needing therapy for the rest of my life was an extreme thing to say, but the pain I felt was extreme. She was the first human to ever mirror back to me how I already felt inside. She did say that my needing therapy forever probably wouldn’t be the case. It would depend on how hard I wanted to work. I walked away from this session feeling lighter. A weight that came off of me that I didn’t know I’d been carrying. I could finally stop hiding. I had always been brave, and now I had someone who was capable of walking with me through the dark forest of my inner world. I left that session with hope. That hope would be the foundation for my transformation to begin.
Do you feel alone on your walk through your dark forest, or do you feel as though your therapist is right there beside you, being your witness?
“She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” —Nathaniel Hawthorne
02 | therapist gives guidence not advice
The therapist may be the mental health expert, but you, as the client, are the expert on yourself. Therapists give guidance. This is not the same as advice.
The client is a butterfly that has come to the therapist for some sort of change, a transformation, a metaphorsis. The therapist is a guide, a witness who helps the client see patterns and perspective. It is the client’s responsibility to choose for themselves what is right. The therapist should not tell you what choice to make.
I remember in grad school being worried about having all the answers for my future clients. That’s where I learned that the therapist does not give advice and they do not have the answers. The therapist meets the client where they are at and walks with the client, providing support. I immediately felt relieved that I wasn’t supposed to have all the answers for my clients.
03 | therapist’s scope of practice fits your needs
Therapists are educated in mental health. This does not always mean they have received additional training in trauma, the nervous system, or modalities used for trauma. If you are seeking to heal from deep emotional wounds, having a therapist who is trained in trauma is necessary. Having a therapist who focuses on your own personal brand of trauma might be what is needed.
Therapists have to start somewhere. Experienced therapists began as beginner therapists. I will tell you right now, you do not owe it to any therapist to keep coming to sessions if you feel like they aren’t the right fit. When I just started out on my therapy journey, I was also in grad school myself to become a therapist. I called the number my professor gave me and asked specifically for her recommended therapist. The therapist who called me back was new and still in supervision. My intuition knew that she probably wasn’t experienced enough for me. My ego said, but you’re about to be her soon and to give her a chance. I gave it a few sessions, but something was missing. I began thinking about all the things I could buy for 30 dollars instead of spending it at that session. When I found my first trauma therapist, I gladly paid her 150 dollars and never thought of all the other things I could buy. It doesn’t matter how “affordable” a session is; if it’s not the right fit, it’s too much money to spend. You may feel broken and lost, but your intuition is still whispering to you.
I first began working with a trauma therapist who utilized EMDR and Brainspotting. Later on in my journey, I worked with a therapist who utilized IFS and specialized in adult adoptees. I received a great deal of healing with both therapists. Both therapy journeys reached their own natural conclusion. When I’m actively in therapy, I work hard, and I go to the deep, scary places almost every time. I’m not saying that’s the right way. It’s my way. I can’t go on like that indefinitely. I give everything I have to healing, and then I allow myself time to live and to integrate the changes I made. In the future, when I return to therapy, it will probably be with a different therapist who focuses on a different part of my healing I want to go deeper with. Personally, I have the best experience with therapists who have a speciality. Be curious what feels right for you.
04 | your Therapist challenges you
It doesn’t mean you won’t ever disagree with your therapist. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel sad by something said by your therapist. But you feel safe, heard, and seen. If you are experiencing a great deal of resistance to change and healing, then it may seem as though your therapist is extra challenging. Notice if you feel challenged while also being respected. A therapist helps you see patterns. They help you notice things you hadn’t noticed before. You go to a therapist to change something. Change can be scary, even positive change. Behaving in new ways and seeing the world differently will probably be challenging for you.
05 | you are becomming less activated by past triggers
We all have traumatic experiences that have triggered us. Sometimes we wait years for the hurt to go away, because time heals all wounds and all that. But does it? In my experience, time itself does not heal wounds. I believed it did for a long time. If enough time went by, if I cried enough tears, my pain would go away. It never did. I just kept it locked in place. Therapy is about truly processing and rewiring our stories. If you are truly processing and healing, then you will notice that when the same hurtful trigger comes up, you are different. You are able to respond rather than react. You have different behavior and thoughts around the story now. The emotional charge has lessened. And now for moments of overwhelming emotions, you are able to feel the uncomfortable feelings without losing yourself.
06 | Your behavior is changing
You will notice how you move through the world changes. Younger me struggled with self-worth tremendously. As I began to have a better understanding of myself and how I had been navigating the world, I could take more responsibility. I remember telling my therapist that I felt like people didn’t like me because they didn’t speak to me first or smile at me. My therapist brought my attention to my behavior. She asks me if I tried speaking first or smiling first? Of course, I said no because I was waiting for the other person to do it. Well, not long after this conversation, I ended up at a party. My social anxiety tagged along, but I decided I would try something new. I smiled first instead of waiting. When I made eye contact with an acquaintance, I smiled at her first. And then, she smiled back at me. I was a little bit surprised. This small interaction stayed with me. Rather than looking for evidence that I didn’t belong, I was brave enough to try something new. Of course, it’s not always this easy or simple. But therapy doesn’t just change the big things; it helps change more subtle things too.
When you look back at your starting line, you should be able to see progress. You should see that you are moving through the world differently. Hopefully, you’ve been noticing the subtle things as they happen. Your thoughts, your patterns, your behavior, and the way you move through the world change. It feels like you are becoming who you already were. You aren’t really becoming a brand new person; you are coming home to yourself.
07 | You’re making progress on your goals
Not every session is earthshattering and feels cathartic. Most sessions will probably be deep and take a lot of vulnerability and focus. But not all of them. We are humans. Life happens. Sometimes we need a lighter session. If you end up having a session where you spend the time talking rather than feeling your deepest, most painful feelings, you still had a productive session. There’s always more to heal, of course. Notice if you feel different or if you feel like you are going in circles. When you’ve integrated an experience and had healing around it, the way you speak about it, and the way it feels, changes. Its inevatible.
Lasting thoughts
The right therapist could mean many things.
You may have the right therapist for this season of life and later discover that you would like to pursue a different kind of support as you continue to evolve. You are a layered human with many different experiences and relationships that have made up the way you see the world. Your life has happened in layers, and so does healing.
It is ok to outgrow your therapist. It is ok to need someone else with different training or a different approach. A therapist can only guide you as far as they themselves have walked or received training.
Your intuition knows when it’s working, and it knows when something else is needed. The key is to listen.
Talk soon,
Stephanie
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