This post is a glimpse into my DNA story.
I feel the weight of the potential sadness of an unsuspecting family. I have been the illegitimate child lurking in the shadows. Knowing I have the power to cause destruction. So I kept myself hidden away, like I had no right to be here. To exist.
Unlocking my cage
As I complete my ancestry kit, tears well in my eyes. It almost feels like I’m taking the key and unlocking my own cage. This cage has plagued me since I was a child. I wouldn’t say I built this cage, but I walked in willingly. And I shut the door and locked it with my own heart.
My biological parents were painted as villains by my mother and father. My parents did not tell me anything about my biological parents that was cruel or untrue. But it still felt confusing. It felt like my biological parents had committed a crime that resulted in me. If we traveled back in time far enough, what they did would have been a crime. My existence always felt wrong.
I wanted to remain safe, so I wanted to be their perfect daughter. I wanted to earn my place in my forever home. Because that’s just it with forever homes; they don’t feel like forever. My parents provided everything for me, from the outside looking in, but even a cage made out of diamonds is still a cage.
Bringing My Voice Out Of The Shadows
I had been such a secret, and it had been treated so normally, that I adopted it as my own truth. Who am I to take a DNA test, make it public, and wait for a match to be made? A match with two paths. A path where I finally claim my worthiness to my existence. A path where a possibly unsuspecting family is punched with the truth of their beloved dead father and husband. I didn’t want to take away their memory of him. I didn’t want to cause them pain. So I continued to carry mine in secret.
Ancestry DNA Testing
I ended up attending a conference where adoptees are one of the groups the conference is for, and I was a little shocked at how many people stood up to indicate that they had done a DNA test to find the truth about their ancestral identity. I thought about all the secrets in the room that had been brought into the light. This had been a blind spot for me. I had pushed away the possibility of DNA for many reasons. But deep down at my core, I believed I wasn’t worthy to do a DNA test. A young part of me believed I didn’t have the same right as everyone else in that room. I also realized that I had been wrong.
Reached Out To DNAngels
My story continues with DNAngels, a volunteer organization that helps adoptees, donor-conceived humans, and other people with a DNA surprise find biological families. I reached out last month. The process of onboarding with them has been easy. I have felt held during the process so far. From filling out the questionnaire, sharing my ancestry tree with them, and then speaking with one of their volunteers to guide me through the process.
I first came to know about them at the Untangling Our Roots Summit this year when I stopped by their exhibit table. Their name came up constantly throughout the conference. I kept hearing adoptees and others speak so highly of them and their ability to find long-lost information about biological families. It was a natural next step on my journey. I’m currently on the waiting list, so any week now I may have confirmation of my biological father. I will keep you posted.
When my DNA results came in, the closest match on my paternal side was a second cousin. I didn’t have enough matches to confirm my biological father. So I decided to ask for assistance. I will await my results. The DNAngels may not have anything to share with me. Or they may help break another chain that has held me down.
You can read my review of the Untangling Our Roots Summit (UTOR). It was my first time attending, and I’m so glad I did.
Claiming Who I am
On this next level of my life, I’m bringing my voice out into the world more than ever. I don’t want to hold myself back any longer. A part of me longs for me to claim my hidden history. I pushed both halves of my DNA away because I didn’t want to be like them, and I didn’t want to be hurt by them. I wanted to be ok without them. I just wanted to be me. I wanted to claim myself.
Thank you for reading,
Stephanie
This post has been about Stephanie’s DNA story.
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