I will preface this blog by saying I’m assuming you have the right therapist with the right approach. If these two things aren’t aligned, then these tips probably won’t be as helpful.
Some professionals say that the most important factor for therapy success is the relationship with the therapist. They say that if you don’t feel connected to your therapist, then therapy is probably not going to work out the way you want, no matter which theory or modality is used.
I believe that the modality is just as important. If the relationship is great but the modality of therapy doesn’t work for me, I would feel like I was wasting my time. I would even state that the type of therapy helps or hinders the therapeutic relationship anyway. Use your own discernment, of course.
Here are some practices that were helpful to me on my therapy journey when I had the right therapists with the right modalities.
1. open yourself Up to change and new Ways Of Thinking
You’ve been living a certain way in a certain identity for a long time, and now you’ve decided to change. Well, you have to actually allow yourself to change. Changing is very layered. Your identity is made up of experiences, emotions, beliefs, thoughts, worldview, and more. It’s not about forcing yourself to become someone new. It’s about becoming who you already are underneath all the misaligned layers. Chances are that you have been living your life for someone other than yourself.
You aren’t becoming someone brand new. You are allowing yourself to become your true self. To fit in with our families, society, school, and careers, we picked up conditioning that wasn’t really us, and we pushed down our true selves. When we live a life according to others rather than ourselves, we disconnect from ourselves. We end up confused, angry, sad, and numb. Therapy, to me, was bringing myself to life. Unraveling who I wasn’t. Therapy is what started this unraveling for me.
I had to be willing to think in a way that I had never thought before. I had to be willing to behave differently than I had in the past. No matter what resistance or fear I felt in session or during my therapy journey, I chose to ask, “What if?” I had minimal trust in myself and no evidence that things could change. I couldn’t see a way out of the darkness, but I chose to be open to the possibility that I could heal. I chose to be open to the possibility that I could show up differently than I ever had before; that I could create a more beautiful life.
2. Focus On Yourself During Session
Sometimes it can be hard to make the session about yourself. Going into the therapist’s office and pouring out your heart while processing your pain and grief is often taxing. You might feel the need to hold yourself back. Maybe you’re simply feeling resistance to stepping into the pain, because you don’t want to get stuck there.
It can also be easier to focus on someone in session, but we are only responsible for our own behaviors and feelings. Do you find yourself being able to stay on task and focus on yourself during the whole session, or are you trying to bring other people into it? Yes, other people’s behavior comes up. But does it come up because you are deflecting responsibility or because you are processing your feelings and experiences? It’s also normal in therapy to ask the therapist if a certain behavior you’ve encountered is healthy or not. Behavior is learned, and often the behavior we were drawn to when we were hurting is not healthy.
3. take note of present triggers in life
Most of the work in therapy happens outside of the session. When I hear people say they don’t have anything to talk about in session, I think, “Really?” If you think you don’t have anything to talk about, maybe it’s because you are not being honest with yourself about your true feelings. Maybe you think you are betraying a loved one if you express your true feelings.
I always had things to talk about. Things to talk about in therapy poured out of me. Bring your past wounds and your current struggles into the session. Notice your body sensations, your breath, your thoughts, what you are resisting. All of which are clues of what you need to process and heal. You just have to keep going deeper. Curiosity with self-compassion is the key. What current events in your life upset you? Even seemingly inconsequential encounters hold deep insight and patterns.
There definitely is a time and place and benefits to venturing into the past and meeting your younger self, because the younger you is still waiting. And there is also power in bringing your current life into session. What is currently happening might be more charged and activated, and you can tap into the emotions more easily. Typically, what we struggled with in the past will be the same theme in the present. So you are working through the same emotions and theme. You are learning how to be a more healed version of yourself.
4. Show up differently out in the wild
Most of the work in therapy actually happens between therapy sessions. Yes, deep work happens in the sessions, and these sessions are necessary. The work doesn’t stop when you leave the office; in many ways, that’s when it begins. Therapy is not a leave-it-and-forget-it type of process. You’ve spent years building your old identities and behaviors that you now want to change, so of course building new pathways takes effort. Change doesn’t happen all at once. It tends to be very subtle, yet profound.
I remember my first therapist would tell me to do the opposite of what I would typically do in relationships. Changing my behavior and my thoughts wasn’t easy, but it was easy to remember what she said: “Do the opposite, Stephanie.” When I found myself activated and confused about what to do in the moment, I could remember her words. When I was activated, I noticed what behavior I naturally wanted to do, and then I did the opposite. And what do you know, it started helping. I was rewiring my behavior. I’m not saying it’s as easy as doing the opposite. That was specific to me. The point is, the work you do in session will help you develop the knowledge that you can take with you outside of the session.
5. arrive 15 minutes early to THE session
Rushing into the session is not it. Respect your time and your investment and show up ready. You do yourself a disservice when you don’t allow for time to arrive. Physically arrive, then mentally and emotionally arrive. Take a few moments to look through your notes for your therapist, or make notes. You want to update them on your life since the last visit. This gives them information on what is important to you, what is currently coming up for you, and it helps you take ownership of your session.
Take a moment to connect with your current emotional state and notice body sensations. Some days, you arrive feeling good, and some days you arrive not feeling up to being vulnerable and having a deep session. The important thing is that you showed up. In most therapy sessions I’ve ever had, I ended up in the deep end. I felt the resistance, I cried the tears, I met parts of myself that held deep pain and desperately wanted to protect me. Every so often, I would have a session that was more talking than diving into the deep end. The talking sessions were still helpful as I felt validated and learned skills to practice out in the wild.
Deep work is not typically easy. Make it easier for your body to be comfortable and your mind to be as present as possible in the session. If you need a snack or a beverage, make a point to take care of those things. I would typically come to the session with an emotional support beverage. Soda, coffee latte, or tea. Drinks are easy and provide comfort to me. It can also be a tool to help you stay in your body and not dissociate. I’m not saying it’s the best way. It’s just what I did and still do.
Wearing comfy clothes is also helpful. Your favorite sweatshirt, cozy socks, your Grinch shirt in July. It’s fine. You’re potentially about to feel really uncomfortable, so make choices accordingly. Don’t just dive into the depths unprepared. Find a small way to provide comfort for yourself.
Lasting Thoughts
At the beginning of my therapy journey, my therapist told me that I would probably feel like I was going crazy when I started to break down my walls, heal, and truly change. When you have left the shoreline of your current life and jumped into the river to get to the other side, it can feel confusing. You are going where you’ve never gone before. The becoming is messy, and the unknown can be scary. I felt crazy as my mind began to unravel the walls of my fortress that I had built with my beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors. I trusted my therapist to guide me, but I was the one who was walking my own path.
Only you know how it feels to be you. Your therapist is your guide on your path; you are the one who walks it. Take ownership of your journey. It is yours after all.
Talk soon,
Stephanie
Leave a Reply