“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: What is soft is strong.” —Lao Tzu
Water is one of the most powerful elements in this world. Water moves mountains and fills up the space by changing shape. Life isn’t about staying the same all of the time. It’s about ebbing and flowing.
I have found that the more I heal and integrate my whole self—the dark and the light—the more space I feel and the more flow I feel in living my life. Below are some examples of how rigidity can show up. Maybe these resonate with you, or maybe they will spark an insight for other ways rigidity shows up for you. Bringing what is hidden, even in plain sight, into the light is helpful on the journey of healing and feeling more empowered.
You are using absolute language
Using absolute words does not do us any favors and keeps us stuck. How many times a day do you use these words: Always, Never, None, All? Some people say the words we speak are spells. Our words are powerful. They help to bring us closer, or they separate us further. Working on a skill and saying, “I’m never going to get that,” isn’t very helpful, is it? Notice if you use these words, and if you do, don’t judge yourself. Just notice, accept, and rephrase the sentence. It’s ok to be frustrated, sad, angry, or annoyed. See how you can express what you’re thinking and feeling in different language. I’m not going to tell you to only talk in positive words. Denying how you truly feel isn’t helpful. But your language does matter, as it connects to how you interact with the world.
Holding Tight To Your Roles
One of the hardest things in healing can be to let go of the roles you’ve been playing. In families, with friends, at work, you play your roles. Are you someone different depending on who you are around? I envy the people who seem to be able to show up the same way no matter where they are. I typically felt like a different version of me depending on where I was.
I got in trouble for my wardrobe at most of the jobs I worked. I realized that it’s a sign that I can’t be my full self when I can’t dress like myself. Of course, there are different types of outfits for different occasions. But at these jobs, I tried my best to look the way they wanted from the beginning, and it seemed inevitable that I would eventually “fail” at this task.
Healing requires us to unravel who we aren’t, who we’ve been pretending to be. It’s not that we were trying to fool anyone; we just wanted to belong. Belonging is a biological need after all. Transformation requires us to understand that showing up as we truly are is how we finally find our true belonging. Blending in isn’t it, and it doesn’t really serve anyone.
Every minute accounted for
When traveling, think about what it feels like to have 5 things listed on the sightseeing list. Rushing to enjoy all the things. Maybe even falling behind. Then all of a sudden, this super fun day seems like no fun at all. It’s like you didn’t leave enough time for the actual fun. Now, think about how it feels to be more leisurely. You wake up with enough time to enjoy your favorite morning beverage or even find a cute breakfast spot. Casually make your way through your day. Soaking up all the experiences and really living in them. Some activities are time-sensitive. It’s not about completely changing your behavior, it’s about noticing how you are behaving and how it is serving you. Maybe you love checking off 10 things on your sighseeing list in one day. Be you. Just notice how you feel with different kinds of traveling.
keeping score
I used to keep score of everything I did right and everything others did wrong. Since I developed an intense need to be perfect in childhood to feel safe, I noticed when other people weren’t “perfect,” and I made it evidence that I wasn’t important. Not a very healthy outlook on life or my self-worth.
These days, if someone doesn’t respond to me, I still notice, but I don’t really feel much about it. Now that I feel more stable within myself, I feel more flexible with others.
Lasting Thoughts
The more we bring flexibility into the way we live our lives, the more space we create around us. The more we can feel ease and go with the flow, the less energy we spend trying to force things to fit. Flexibility doesn’t make us less intentional; it allows for more awareness. Be like water, be unbothered.
Talk soon,
Stephanie
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